Lets start at the beginning….

This weekend I managed to find myself on the island of no channel 7, aka ABC. Yes, you heard correctly. Thanks to an horrific who-has-the-bigger-balls and wants-to-make-more-money-while-laying-off-thousands battle between Cablevision (the local network here) and ABC/Disney kept me from watching the Oscars in the comfort of my in-laws home, so I ventured out to a sports bar (the only one in the neighborhood with satellite) with my mom-in-law to be. WE had to listen to BONGOS during the red carpet folks. BONGOS!!!! Cause as long as I have been alive and realized I love things, I have NEVER missed an OSCARS. NEVER. So, I found myself in a Long Island bar, that was actually chock full of lovely people who tried and tried to hook up the closed captioning so we could hear the witty banter between Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin, but unfortunately, no dice. And then the Jack Johnson heavens opened up and ABC stopped sucking dick and we got to watch the Oscars on CABLE! With Chinese food and Pinot Grigio like respectable humans.

So let’s go from there. Christoph Waltz, as I had predicted in a lonely theater 8 months ago while my car got an oil change, won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. And boy did he deserve it. I never fell in love with a Nazi as hard as I did with Christoph. We have a BINGO with that dude. And then there were a handful of awards that meant so much to many, but not me. And then we had to sit and watch the C team of the Alvin Alley company dance to nominated scores. And THEN FISHER STEVENS WON AN OSCAR. I repeat FISHER. STEVENS. WON. AN.OSCAR.

Ok, so you are paying attention now. Cause, I mean the rank dude from HACKERS won an Oscar folks. That can’t be undone. So then we raised hands with Mo’Nique, cause she won Best Supporting and doesn’t shave her legs and makes sexual and physical abuse look real. And then things got interesting…. well actually the Screenplay awards were given out before FISHER STEVENS WON and for Adapted Precious killed it and for Original The Hurt Locker confirmed its assault on Cameron’s career and genitals. Woohah (as blind Pacino would say). Ok so back to the awards we cared about. Best actor went to my first crush, Jeff Bridges, who repeated the same speech Ive heard since the Golden Globes, but still thanked his wife and kids and stand-in. LOVE IT. Also, he’s been doing various The Big Lebowski quotes and I will heart that forever.

Sandra Bullock won Best Actress for The Blind Side. I aint seen it, and I probably wont, but I am OK with her getting an award because she is pretty rad. She also looked beyond beautiful tonight, which cemented her win. Her mom was an opera singer in Germany and she had gum on her seat while Dennis Hopper was trying to blow her and the coach of Sparkle Motion up! Bullock deserved it as much, if more, as squinty eyed Zelleweger, frozen-face Kidman and hotties Berry & Theron – SO LETS MOVE ON.
And then the big one came. Since Barbra Streisand came out to deliver the Oscar for Best Director, I knew this was going to Kathryn Bigelow. ON A SERIOUS NOTE. I cried. I cried in a room with my mom and soon to be mom-in-law and felt what i feels like to wait for fucking evah for an award. Bigelow has been able to do what both men and women havent before her, deliver an action move with heart. And she has succeeded with it. She deserved it. And please don’t forget it.
Her acceptance speech thanked the powers that be that made the movie happen, as well as the troops that give up their lives and safety for us every day. So it was fitting that Tom Hanks ran up on stage and gave the award for Best Picture to The Hurt Locker. For its story, drama and feel, this move deserved to win. And I cant think of a better way to ringing in a monumental moment like this, with anyone else in the room.

More on the dresses, awards and whats to come tomorrow, but until then, thanks to Barbra, Bigelow, McDaniel and the rest of you amazing women, who have given me even a morsel of thinking this industry could welcome us with open arms. You made dreams official tonight. There are girls who will not question their motives, their love of cinema and will continue to provide America and the world with entertainment and dreams and comedy and fantasy and horror and anything that will make you forget your real life for 2 and a half hours.

Here’s the full list of the winners and we’ll check in with you tomorrow when the Pinot has wore off. I will get to the John Hughes/comedy respective tomorrow too. This needs my full non-snark attention.